I am pissed.
I don't understand what is so hard for my mother to understand.
Last night she asked if I was ever going to hang out with my cousin and his wife who just had a baby. I barely know these people. Yes, I went to their wedding last year, but I've seen my cousin two or three times in the last ten years. They live far away in another state. I wish them well and I'm happy for them, but, no, that is not a relationship I'm going to cultivate at this time. I told my mother, "No, not any time soon."
Then she said, "Well, I lost my mother, but I still hang out with other people who have their mothers."
Are you kidding me?? That's not even the same thing at all. And that's what I told her.
I said, "The two situations are not even comparable. You had your mother in your life and you have lots of happy memories with her. She lived a full life and died in her 80s which is quite normal."
I continued, "I am feeling judged right now. You think it's sad that I don't want to go hang out with some cousins? Well, that doesn't even compare to the sadness of losing my children so I don't even care. I will continue to take care of myself and do what I need to do."
I wish I hadn't, but I woke up this morning still mad at about it. I wish I was better at letting things go. I texted my best friend, who has heard a lot about my mother over the years, and told her my mom said some insensitive stuff last night but that's to be expected. She replied, "That's a great way to view her."
I want my mother in my life, and I choose to have my mother in my life. But, damn, it is hard a lot of the times.