Sunday, September 17, 2017

Never Give Up?

I am having a hard time letting this one go. Honestly, I am pissed. My last friend to get pregnant announced it on social media yesterday. Ok, whatever, she called me to tell me so I knew the announcement was coming...

But.

Ugh. I hated it. I hate how she announced it!!!

She posted a pic of a bunch of her needles in a heart shape (which I think is extremely personal and kind of gross but whatever I guess) surrounding a onesie that said something about things being worth the wait.

(Ok. A little weird, but people are entitled to their own choices.)

She wrote out ALL of their treatments, what all they had done and how many treatments failed.

(Ok, now we're definitely getting too far into Overshare Territory for my tastes, but, again, people can share what they choose to share.)

But, it's how she ended it that makes me want to scream and break things:
"For those struggling with infertility, I want to encourage you not to give up."

Oh really???

So, I gave up, huh?
What? I didn't want it bad enough?
I didn't try hard enough?
Did I not deserve it?
Or, let me guess, it just wasn't meant to be; things happen for a reason... UGH. GROSS.

Thankfully, I am super secure in my decision to stop treatments. As I've written before, they were killing my soul. I was a shell of a person. I was depressed and hollow and inactive and in a very very bad, very very dark spot. So, my former friend's comments don't make me question my decisions, but they do hurt my feelings.

Of course, she is not going to be thinking of me when she announces her pregnancy. Of course she is not going to be thinking about how her cry of "Never give up!" will affect the infertile women who will never get pregnant.

But why didn't she think of me?

She has been dealing with infertility for years. She came to me for advice about finding a doctor and what to expect with IVF and how to deal with failed treatments. We've been friends since high school. She knows how badly I always wanted to be a mother. Or, at least, I thought she did.

I'm having a hard time letting go of this one, but writing this post is helping. I HATE it when women who struggled to get pregnant suddenly seem to have amnesia about the whole experience once they get pregnant/have a baby.

I suppose, the worst part was that she was doing a gender reveal (I freaking hate those) live on social media at a certain time, so everyone could tune in and watch. Um, no thank you. So she's already gone. My friend who only just began her second trimester is lost to mommy madness already. I wish her well.

And for anyone else, in case you need a healthy reminder:
IT IS MORE THAN OKAY TO GIVE UP.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

I Need a Break from Fertile People

I woke up this morning and I already knew I needed a break. I could just feel it. I am just so tired of fertile people going on about their lives, making the comments that they make and doing the annoying things that they do.

I was eating breakfast and checked social media and the first thing I see is my aunt posting about her newest grandchild being born. I didn't even know one of my cousin's wife's was pregnant. I don't even know who had the baby. I quickly unfollowed my aunt so I won't have to scroll through any more newborn pics than I'd already seen.

Then I go to school where one professor talks, I swear to God, for an hour about her kids and her parenting style. No, it wasn't on topic for the day's lecture. Oh my god. Can't I just get a break?? This is the same professor who was supposed to email us something last night but told us it was one of her kid's birthdays that day and so she probably wouldn't have time. Oh really? So if I'm celebrating my anniversary with my husband or my dog's birthday or something else that is important to me, let me guess, I won't have the option of turning something in late, will I?

Because the only thing anyone seems to freaking care about is whether or not you have children!

Right now I am mad and sad and frustrated. There are several contributing factors, most of them school-related because the program I'm in is chaotic and unorganized and they treat the students extremely poorly, but this is, to use the cliche, the straw that broke the camel's back.

I am so completely sick of fertile people. For being so exclusive in conversations. For expecting so much emotional labor from me. For holding me responsible for helping them when there was no one around to help me when I was deeply depressed from infertility. I am really sick of the double standards and I just need to vent!

I really need to meet some people like me in real life.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Still Skipping Parties

This weekend one of my good friend's kids was having a birthday party. I was excited about it and really wanted to go. I said I was coming and planned my schedule accordingly.

I didn't go.

Aaaahhh I drive myself crazy sometimes. I went back and forth in my head so much over going to this party. I was trying to figure out what was the problem, what was all this vacillation about, especially when I really wanted to go. Well, it was going to be a long drive, a lot of time in the car. Also, school started two weeks ago and I'm already overloaded with reading assignments and projects. I was going through this list in my head... But none of those things were really it.

What was really it was the obvious: I didn't want to go to a kid's birthday party.

Yes, I wanted to see my friend. Yes, I wanted to see my friend's kid. Yes, I wanted to hang out and talk and catch up with my friend and visit with her family and friends and eat cake. Yes, I want to be there for the important moments in my friend's life.

But I didn't want to go to the cute toy store near me and buy a present. And I didn't want to go to a party with a bunch of adults and kids and be the only woman there who wasn't a mother.

This sucks. I hate that it's like this. But it is.

In one way, it's only a kid's birthday party, it's not that big of a deal. In another way, I really hate saying I am going to do something and then I don't do it. And, I hate that I'm not there yet. I hate that going to a kid's birthday party still bothers me. Overall, that's what I learned from this and I won't be RSVPing "yes" to any more kid birthday parties for awhile.

When I talked to my husband about it he just said, "Who cares? Kids' birthday parties are boring anyway." Hahaha. So there's that perspective too!


Thursday, August 31, 2017

Up and Down

Ohhh infertility. You painful, hurtful condition. Just as I "feel good again," I experience more reminders of my losses. That is why I have this blog: to write about the good and to write about the bad. Living life after infertility, while it does get good again, still has its ups and downs.

Most recently...

*****

UP

So I realized that the vast majority of my friends are either in their 20s or their 50s and 60s. This is because they either don't have kids or their kids are already grown. I have very few friends that are around my age.

I had lunch with a friend last week. She is in her early sixties, and her son and his wife (who are almost ten years younger than me) just had their first baby. It is my friend's first grandchild. I remember feeling shocked when she told me about the pregnancy. I mean, I figured it was coming. I just didn't realize how soon. Anyway, I hadn't seen her since the baby came, and I was looking forward to hearing what they named him. (I've always had an interest in what people name their children.)

And can I just tell you... My friend is just about one of the most sensitive fertile people I have ever known. We meet at the restaurant and sit down for lunch. We have a brief how are you kind of chit chat. And then I just jump right into it. I said, "Okay, what did they name the baby? Is the mother doing okay? Are you loving being a grandmother?" Honestly, I hardly ever engage in conversation about babies these days, but I was eager to hear that everything was going well for the new family. So, my friend shared the baby's name, said the mom was doing well, and that, yes, she was enjoying being a grandmother.

Then she said, "Let me show you a picture." And I said, "Of course!" (Newborn pics are hard for me, but I had mentally prepared for this one and wanted to see a picture.) But then she said, and I thought this was so thoughtful, "But I'm only going to show you one. Then we can talk about other things."

Praises from the Heavens!!! Everyone is healthy, my friend is happy to be a grandmother, and we are not going to spend all of our time together talking about the baby!!! Oh, I was so, so hoping that grandmotherhood wasn't going to totally take over my friend's brain! And I don't think it did. :)

My friend gets on her phone, scrolls through her pictures, and says, "Ok, I'm going to show you two pictures. One of [the baby] and one of [the baby] with [the mom]." I smiled and laughed and said, "I would love to see two pictures." Did she intentionally tell me what pictures she was going to show me? I think she did. She is really that thoughtful. Nothing she said or did was condescending, and it was all just very respectful of me and my feelings and experiences.

And then she showed me two pictures. And they were nice. Cute baby, happy mom.

And that was that. The rest of our long lunch was full of so many other conversation topics. <3


DOWN

So while I'm still thinking about how nice lunch was and how thoughtful my friend is, one of my oldest friends from high school calls me later in the week.

First of all, she calls me. I mean, we will talk on the phone every once in a blue moon. But. But. We usually text. And she's still going through fertility treatments. And she knows what I've been through and I've been giving her space and wishing for the best for her. And she calls me.

My phone rings and I look down and I see it's her and I immediately think, is she calling because...

I was in the middle of reading a suspenseful part of a really good book so I decided to let it go to voicemail. She didn't leave a message. She didn't text me either. I finish the chapter I'm reading and call her back.

Hi, I missed your call, how are you.
Hi, I'm so glad you called back, yeah I just wanted to catch up.
Well, honestly, I was reading a really good part in a book so I couldn't answer right then hahaha.
Hahaha, oh that's funny. So how's school going? Your husband? Your dog?

Okay, so now I really know what's going on. This has happened so many times. A friend who I haven't talked to in a while calls, asks me a million questions about my life, and then, you know...

Her: "Well, I'm pregnant."
Me: "Really? Ohmigaw that's great!! That's great news!!!"

How far along, when are you due, how are you feeling, I will be thinking of you, congratulations, thanks for calling, yeah we should get together, I'm so happy for you, talk to you later, I love you, bye.

Click.

I'm still sitting on the couch. Staring at the cover of this really good book I'm reading. And suddenly I don't I want to read it. I don't want to watch tv. I don't want to get on the internet. I don't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to exercise. I don't want to do anything. But what I really don't want is this longing in the pit of my stomach, this unrelenting existential ache that won't leave me the fuck alone.

"EVERYBODY GETS PREGNANT EXCEPT ME!!!!" I yell at my husband, who has no idea what's going on, because last time he saw me I was contentedly reading a book on the couch in the living room under a blanket with the dog.

What? He yells from the bedroom.

So I get up and go in there and say, "[My friend's name] is pregnant." And start crying.

I'm happy for my friend. Of course I'm happy for my friend. I'm relieved for her. I don't even know how many rounds of IVF she did. She is completely immersed in mommy culture, with her sister and all of their friends, and she was the only one who didn't have a baby or toddler. I am so glad she is pregnant, and I am so hopeful for her pregnancy.

But she was the last one. She was literally the last one of my friends to get pregnant. Everyone got pregnant except me. And so while I am happy for her, I am allowed to grieve for myself.

*****

And so that is why I am blogging. Because this shit is hard. And it HURTS.

I can't even believe I'm blogging. I am an extremely private person. The internet even freaks me out a little bit. But I have to write. I have to connect with others. I am not doing this shit alone if I don't have to.

So I will continue riding the ups and downs of this life.
I will keep working toward my daydreams.



Sunday, August 20, 2017

Sunday Daydreams

Hello! I just got back from a little vacation visiting my parents (which was incredibly relaxing and went extremely well--another post for another time). And today I am being intentionally lazy. I'm starting to get a little bored, but it's my last day of nothingness. :) Starting tomorrow, I have errands to run and things to do all week before school takes over my life again.

So I am sitting here daydreaming.

It was weird to come home earlier this week.
I missed my dog and my husband (not necessarily in that order hahaha), but... Not much else. ;)

I love where I live so I don't ever plan on complaining about it, but I've been here almost 25 years and I. Am. Done. Completely ready to move on. Well, almost... Gotta finish up school first.

I came home and felt so... Renewed. :)
I felt like a new version of me.

This time last year I was stressed from moving (still, even though it had already been 6 months) and extremely anxious about going back to school. This year I know what to expect. And I am chomping at the bit for what's going to come after. I. Am. Ready.

:)))

So I spent this morning looking up different things to do in the city to where I am moving. There is so much more for me there. There are actually meet up groups for women without children. There are craft groups. There's stuff to do in nature. There's a specific niche sport that I love that I will be able to go watch there.

I'm gonna repeat myself: there is so much more for me there than there is here. Where I am now has great schools, lots of churches, plenty of after school activities, lots of football and baseball fields for kids... You catch my drift? It's not my place. It's not where I need to be, not for this lifetime. Where I am going has fun stuff to do for adults! Stuff I can do, not just watch from the sidelines as seemingly every other adult enjoys activities with their children.

I am getting so excited and, after so many years of infertility, I had almost forgotten what excitement felt like. I know moving will be hard. It will take me a long time to learn my way around and to meet people and make friends. But I don't care! I am excited!!

So I will keep on daydreaming... 🔮 😎

Thursday, August 10, 2017

A Personal Milestone

School sucks but at least it ends. Every semester ends, and, eventually, whatever program you're in ends. And then you move on to more school or your career or whatever.

Right now I am enjoying a moment where I can just pause and take a slow, deep breath.
I have officially finished the first year of my graduate-level healthcare program.

The even better part is... Let the countdown begin!!!
Let's wrap up another year of coursework, pack up what's left of my stuff, and move out of state! There are so many more opportunities for me where I'm going. Where I am now would be perfect if I was raising children. But I'm not. So I'm moving somewhere else to live a different life.

The last five years were awful. I didn't know what to do, but I knew no one was gonna do anything for me. I had to dig really fucking deep to come up with any ideas for what to do with the rest of my life. Every day was a struggle. Every step was nearly impossible. Every single thing was just so fucking HARD. But I kept getting up (most days, not all) and putting one foot in front of the other. And now I can see a future I will enjoy, a future where I can be of service to others.
It is still distant, but I can see it. And I will keep going.



Tuesday, August 1, 2017

My Best Friend Got A Puppy

My best friend got a puppy!

She's a little white labrador, and she's so cute. My friend has been texting me pictures throughout the day and I loved seeing this little pup's car ride home and first nap on the bed. Is this how other people feel when their best friend has a baby?? Haha. (Disclaimer: I don't equate kids and animals. They're both great, but they are two very different things.) But I am SO excited! Hahaha.

Part of my excitement is that the puppy is so darn cute!

But another part of it is it satisfies my desire to get a puppy. I can live vicariously through her pictures and stories. I will eventually meet the pup, but we live very far apart so she will be much bigger by the time I meet her.

She's so little and cute and sleepy. Haha I'm already looking forward to more pictures and/or videos this week.

*****

I love this friend. We met at a job almost ten years ago, both moved on to new jobs almost as soon as we'd met. Now we live in different states but always kept in touch regularly. She's just... So cool!! :) She reads good books and makes awesome art and does good work at her job and she's smart and funny and asks interesting questions.

She was there for me while I was trying to get pregnant and she was there for me when I stopped trying to get pregnant. She always let me know it would be okay either way. She recognizes the pronatalism of our society, and she knows what it's like to be childless not by choice.

She is invaluable. Priceless. An inspiring woman.

*****

And she got a puppy!

I'm so happy for my friend. This is going to be fun!!! :)